Patch Blog: A Virtual Trojan Interview

So I’m kind of new to Arcadia Patch and I’m a traditionalist at heart. I’m also a USC dental school grad and a total Trojan diehard; even refer to myself as a molar jockey from time to time. Just thought you should know…and be warned.

Sometimes good things (in my own mind) don’t have to end. I think I stole this blog approach from then-Sports Illustrated back page writer Rick Reilly way back in the late 90s. And any time’s the right time for a virtual interview (that coulda really happened.)

Without further adieu, I give you: a Trojan Virtual Interview.

What with my fav subject the old hypocrite Coach Pete Carroll busy feeding the ducks for $8 mil/year in Seattle and my first virtual interviewee, Andy Rooney, boycotting towns without retail, it was really cool visiting with the Dalai Lama here in Temple City a couple of months ago.

The leader of Tibetan Buddhism had been forced to cancel an earlier appearance at UCLA but had no problem showing up at the Galen Center the next day. The Dalai Lama spoke to a Trojan audience including some 3,000 USC students.

Apparently, Doc Haney, implant DDS to-the-stars, got his Arcadia HS grad/USC film student son Marcus to show His Holiness the Haney flick, Viola (you might remember my powerful cameo appearance.) Next thing you know, the 14th Dalai Lama was sitting down for a virtual interview right across the street at El Pollo Loco (He had a vegetarian Pollo…or pollo-less Pollo Bowl.)

And who knew the Dalai Lama was a Trojan? The Dalai Lama is addressed as Tenzin Gyatso by Tibetans; he is called His Holiness or HH by westerners. And His Holiness was still proudly wearing his USC baseball cap from earlier in the day when we met for the interview.

“Welcome to Temple City His Holiness; it is such an honor hosting someone so profound of thought and so purely honest. And what a profoundly pure change of pace it is from hangin’ out with local developers and members of our City Council.”

“Dr. Jack, it is my pleasure visiting your peaceful little hamlet. Life here must be very harmonious judging by the great numbers of bridal shops.”

“You are very perceptive His Holiness. May I address you as HH? And please feel free calling me JVB. I must admit I’m so proud to find you wearing a cardinal and gold robe and a USC baseball cap.”

“JVB, you can call me HH; just don’t call me late for dinner. Hahaha. I must admit, I did have a scratchy throat yesterday but I would rather wade in yak dung from the Indian Ocean to the northern borders of Tibet than risk my life under the decrepit roof of Pauley Pavilion.”

“Wow HH, I know whatcha mean. And I read your comments regarding Osama Bin Laden and couldn’t help but relate them to the NCAA sanctions placed on USC football. Do you also see similarities?”

“Young JVB, even in Tibet we’ve heard of your exploits. Is it true you remain the foremost elite athlete/scribe/DDS in the San Gabriel valley?”

“Yes HH, it is true; you clearly are the omniscient One. But alas; until your arrival I was without an editor of sound mind. My new editor is smart, energetic, and idealistic. And she’s like us; she’s a Trojan.”

“Ah JVB, you are indeed blessed.

And yes, I can see the similarities existing between Bin Laden and the NCAA, not to mention periodontal disease, Brussels sprouts, and mercenary dental insurance programs. One can forgive but forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting what happened.”

“HH, sounds like you have an opinion regarding dental insurance.”

“JVB, your astute observation has created an image in my mind. When my mood is good and there is no danger of malaria, I avoid swatting mosquitoes, sometimes watching with interest as they suck my blood. The mosquitoes remind me of individual dental insurance programs.”

“HH, I might have the mosquito control solution. Stay tuned for next week.

And one final question: as the symbol of wisdom, fairness, and forgiveness, would you ever consider being open to pondering the innermost thoughts of ucla football coach Rick Neuheisel?”

“Dearest JVB, with all due respect, there is only one response to your honorable and caring question that I may share. And please excuse me if I answer your question with a question. My question is: ARE YOU SERIOUS??? Bite me Molar Jockey!

And…Fight on!”