American Dreamin'

“The only problem with the American Dream these days is you have to be asleep to see it” -Unknown.

So right about when I hit puberty my whole world totally changed. It was like I couldn’t think of anything else when I was awake or asleep. There were times when I could barely study, couldn’t even focus enough to mow the damn lawn. Seemed like a few other kids had the same problem but not like me. Today, there’s probably clinics for this kind of thing.

As I got older my verbal skills improved big-time and I lived out some major fantasies; picked up some serious swagger. My face even cleared up.

Today, most folks my age need medication just thinking about the stuff that dominated my thoughts not so long ago. But who needs meds to relive the nervous anticipation, the thoughtful preparation, and the freakin’ cascade of emotions answered only by the quivering level of excitement that could transform what you thought was the Pinto within into a Ferrari, finally leaving you as spent and limp as a certain candidate’s quest for facts and USC Coach Lane Kiffin’s ability to inspire?

Yeah, I’m talkin Presidential debates and USC Trojan football. And if only there were a little blue pill that could revitalize those two lost arts…plus maybe the business community in downtown Temple City.

So last Wednesday was the big debate and you had to wonder why anyone was really interested in hearing what the challengers had to say. In eight quick years the GOP lads and ladies almost lost two major American cities plus the whole dang country to Great Depression #2 while invading the wrong sovereign nation and I guess now in 2012 they’re all about stepping up and finishing the job.

And I hope USC Trojan quarterback Matt Barkley wasn’t going political when he said something about “unfinished business” at the start of the election year. But I like Matt, and even though he’s from Orange County he does all kinds of un-Republican type stuff like having a passion for helping the less fortunate.

I like the Prez too but on debate night he looked less interested and more annoyed than my fictional Uncle Harold having to say grace in front of an open bottle of Tequila. I’ve seen Tommy Lasorda in a food coma generate more energy.

And seeing Mitt so hyper made me wonder what kind of caffeine substitute he was using. Then I wondered what Mitt (with two Ts) could possibly stand for. So during the debate, just like during baseball, I found some time to do some other stuff (like research) and Wikipedia says Mitt is Mitt’s middle name and his real name is Willard.

Well, the “debate” between Barack and Willard landed me face up on the living room floor with a bilateral drool pattern and I’m not so sure Round Two sounds like a better deal than just taking a spin class at the gym.

As I drifted off into dreamland during the debate I couldn’t stop thinking about Willard creating 12,000,000 new jobs and what a boost that would be for India’s economy. And I think the President hit dreamland way earlier thinking he’d never waste another wedding anniversary chewing the fat on national TV with a guy named Willard.

Next up: USC Trojan football and a Thursday night date with the Utah Utes and I was thinkin’ the same thing. If a low key Mormon guy like Willard could get all fired up for a stinkin’ debate, what could possibly happen when you put a bunch of 30 year-old Mormon college kids on a football field on national television?

During the week, Trojan coach Lane Kiffin had warned against complacency and the terror USC would encounter visiting Salt Lake City (as if the players couldn’t remember being humiliated by the Stanford Cardinal, Tree, or Whatever and a bunch of plodding future Nobel Prize winners only a couple of weeks earlier.)

I can imagine the pre-game Kiffin speech being totally appropriate at Little Big Horn. And by the time I reached a much-needed cold one, the Trojans were down two TDs three minutes into the game.

And maybe the Trojans are clunky underachievers because leaving SoCal, everywhere else looks way less fortunate to Barkley and his philanthropic crew; or perhaps it’s because Kiffin motivates sort of like a stoner Elmer Fudd. Could be the answer is just some good ole 5-Day Willard magic all around!

End of the day the Trojans survived, having missed two field goals, dropped two touchdown passes, and having been penalized 3,520 yards (that’s 2-miles.) I know there’s a pre-Obamacare metaphor in there somewhere.

And just like with the debate, when the ESPN post-game pundits finally signed off, the silence aroused me from a deep sleep.

So since candidate Willard thinks global warming is a joke and science little more than kind of a nerdy leap of faith and Coach Kiffin can easily sedate 20 year-olds just before kick-off I think the two of ‘em can lay claim to some kind of unscientific home remedy cure for insomnia.

The President of the United States and I are both living snoozing proof.